meredithgrace

I've lost forty pounds. Forty fuckin' pounds. I'm only part of the way towards my "goal", but I still feel so much better. Really, I don't know why I put this off for so long.

School has been going well, except for the fact that I am seriously over homework and going to class and jumping through hoops. I'm ready to start my real life and move on from this. I'm ready for a new challenge. It has made me really crabby lately. It's frustrating to wake up every morning and know exactly how my day will go and exactly when I will be home and exactly who I will interact with. It's almost scripted. I know that it will be over soon and I shouldn't be so dramatic, but it's hard to swallow. I need to just slow down, take it day by day, and realize that it'll be over soon.

I feel selfish bitching about how "boring" my life is when I really have a lot of great things--a healthy partnership, (semi) financial stability, a safe home, and great friends. But I'm ready for a change and to MOVE ON. A new chapter in life.

Mika and Kelly are starting a writing club and invited me to join. I'd love to spend time with them, but I am nervous about them reading my writing, critiquing it, etc. I haven't written anything "for fun" in a long time. I'm afraid whatever I write will sound ammature.

I am excited for Thanksgiving!!! It will be fun to see the kids and spend a couple days at home. I miss them.

I've been thinking about launching my own business--just something small... Doing newsletters, design, wedding invites and programs, business cards, etc. I know that starting out, I wouldn't be able to support myself full time, but I think it could work out. Plus, I could take as many or few projects as I wanted.

Something to think about.

C'mon, you gotta admit it. Jenny Lewis has, at some point, completely rocked your socks. She's sexy, she's a redhead, and she's got some killer style. And we all love her tunes. Ms. Lewis is the lead singer of Rilo Kiley and has also done two kick-ass solo albums. You probably also know her for jher vocal contribution to Postal Service.

Here's a tribute to my most favorite, wonderful beauty products. I love 'em.

St. Ives Invigorating Apricot Scrub
It's the best shit out there. Not kidding. I "discovered" it when I borrowed it from a friend at summer camp in high school, and we've been best buds forever since then. It smells yummy, works wonders, and is cheap!

Dove Deep Moisture Facial Lotion
I was spektical that a $5.00 moisturizer could really help my skin, but this is the ticket. It cheap, comes in a big bottle, and works great for my skin. Plus, the SPF 15 makes me feel a little bit better about walkin' around in the sun all day.

Clinique Clarifying Lotion
I tried to use all three steps every day, but it just wasn't happening. I skimmed it down to a cheaper moisturizer and face wash, but this toner is THE SHIT. There's four different kinds, for different types of skin. It'll cost you a pretty penny, but I've found it the last couple times on Ebay, and it lasts me nine months to a year. Love it.

Mary Kay Extra Emollient Night Cream
HOLY CRAP. This is one of those things my mom taught me--how to make bread, french braid, and to use this amazing cream. I usually take a shower at night, take a pumice stone to my heals. When I hop out of the shower, I slather this stuff on my feet, elbows, etc. and then throw a pair of socks on. By morning, my feet are silky smooth. You really need to try this.

Burt's Beeswax Lip Balm
mmm... I have some on right now! This is, by no means, a "hidden gem", but it is the best. You know what I'm talkin' about. Now go pick some up.

Lubriderm Daily Moisture Lotion (for Normal to Dry Skin)
I love this stuff. I use it all day long at my office, and it never makes my hands (or my keyboard!) a sticky, grimy mess. My dad introduced me to it when I was younger, and I haven't found anything better. Buy a huge bottle and keep it on your nightstand. You'll use it every fuckin' day.

I have been thinking more lately about what my name means to me and how Melissa and I would (or would not) join our names together if/when we decide to join together legally or start a family. In all honesty, I like my name. I am hesitant about changing it, but I also think it's very important for a family to all have the same last name. Without a unified last name, I think it would become sluggish and hard to communicate to others, especially when it comes to medial records, schools, etc.

I've been reading Surnames for Women: A Decision-Making Guide by Susan J. Kupper lately about why women chose to keep or change their last names and how it effected their lives. The entirety of the book was about straight women and their husbands, not even touching on the lesbian aspect of things, but it still got me thinkin'. One of the suggestions in the book was to take the maiden name of an important woman in your family. I would it would be a good idea if Melissa and I took the names of our maternal grandmothers and combined them, as a symbol to the oldest matriarchs in our family that we knew. Mine is King, and Melissa's is White. I had to laugh because combing these two would have the exact opposite effect we were hoping for--white supremacy meets dictatorship, patriarchy, and control.


I have also thought about us taking one of our middle names, as a move away from all last names, since they are a symbol of ownership and men's rule. We've thought about hyphenating our names, but Coleman-Nystrom or Nystrom-Coleman is just too long. This obviously isn't a very pressing issue, but it's something I've been thinking about. Any thoughts or suggestsions? What action do you plan to take if/when you commit yourself to someone?

My Uncle Dave died today. He was riding his bike around the lake, sat down at a park bench, and died right there. I am weirdly stunned. I was never personally close with him, but I have memories with him, and he is my family. He lived alone in a cramped Minneapolis apartment, sometimes working, sometimes not. He was very quiet and reclusive. It's odd that after living most of his life in a small apartment, rarely leaving, he left the world among nature--trees, bushes, water. In public. Around people.

When my family lived in Minnesota, he came over often. His hair was stringy and long, his clothes rumpled, but he was happy to spend time with us and hear our stories--where we had gone that day, the people I sat next to on the bus, how my classes went. Kindra loved him. She would climb up onto his lap, ask him questions, hold his hand when we went for walks. She really liked him. One summer, he drove from Minnesota to Oregon with my family, and Kindra remembered his favorite candy: Peanut M&Ms. When we stopped for gas, we'd run inside, get a snack, and she would always get Dave Peanut M&Ms. She would give them to him. He would say thank you and smile, but I never saw him eat them. Her sweet relationship with him makes me smile.

I don't know much about his life other than the things my family has told me, the stories I've heard, the things he's told me, the memories my dad has relayed to me. But just knowing that someone I knew, someone I was connected to in some way, it gone... It makes me think.

Natasha Kai has recently hit my radar for being... hot. She's got a great body, she's an athlete, and she's also really really gay.  Shes an American soccer player who plays for Sky Blue FC of Women's Professional Soccer and the United States women's national soccer team. I'm not usually one for tattoos, but she really does it for me.

I found a bunch of books in my parents' room about Christianity and homos. Someone I Love is Gay, Preventing Homosexuality, and When Homosexuality Hits Home: What to Do When a Loved One Says They're Gay among other titles--of course, all from a "holier than thou" Christian perspective. I should have expected it, but it still hurts.

I don't want to feel guilty anymore for being a lesbian--something I am proud of in all other parts of my life. Why do I let them put me back in the closet when I visit? How do I rationalize that to myself?

Looks like we still have a long ways to go.

I am halfway through my two-week visit home. My parents are gone, so I have been put in charge of watching my younger siblings, which has turned out to be a lot more fun (and work!) that I had imagined. The kids and I have been swimming a lot, doing crafts, making crystals with their science experiment packs, picking pounds of blueberries, riding bikes, and milking the Netflix account. It really has been a week to remember. Before I came here, I was nervous and anxious that I would get tired of being home for so long, but I am also thankful for the time we've had together. Kindra and Josiah aren't babies anymore, and it's weird. They're real people with ideas who want to make their own decisions. I've had a really good time getting to know them as real people and listening to their questions and thoughts.

Tonight is Angela's bachelorette party. In true Monroe fashion, we're hitting up the Frolic & Rodeo and then the "dance" afterwards. Sometimes when I think I've cut all ties with "who I was" back then, things like this come back to haunt me. There will be a TON of Monroe people there, and I'm really not looking forward to running into them and making small talk. It's just not me.

I took the kids to the beach yesterday for the whole day. We set up camp in the sand. They dug a huge hole, we went for a long walk on the beach. While the kids played their version of soccer/golf on the dunes, I read my most recent purchase: Cunt by Inga Muscio. I am only a few chapters in, but it has already changed the way I think about my body and mainly my cunt. Women are beatiful, and she talks about instances I never thought of where sexism and cunthatred are prevelant. It almost scares me. To say the least, every woman should read it. Seriously, it's worth the $15. I laid in the sand for an hour or so, reading about Whores in society and the power of periods. After I got up off the blanket and put my feet in the water, I really felt different. I felt more confident--like I was some kind of feminist high. I know it sounds stupid and new age-y, but I really feel different. I feel empowered. My vagina, labia, clitoris, cunt--they are wonderful. I should take more pride in them.

I put my produce in separate plastic bags when I'm grocery shopping.

Wow, the past week has been madness, pretty much! My birthday bash was Friday night, and ever since then Melissa and I have been busy all day, every day seeing friends and trying to squeeze in as much Mika Time before she left.

But first... My  Birthday! I had a great time and we ended up hitting up a bunch of places. We started at about 5:00 PM at Dolce, since it's an all-ages establishment and I wanted to be able to say hello to the under-agers before too much debauchery began. They had fried zucchini there, which was amazing. I'd never had it but I will definitely be going back. =) Then we stopped by Fast Eddie's to spin the wheel (snooze) and have a quick drink. Next, we went to Zola's which Mika described as "wrong with 30-something sexual tension". Ha! We ended up sticking around for a while, mainly so that Mika could guzzle three bloody marys made with Bakon Vodka (my new favorite topic of conversation.) Zola's was probably my favorite stop of the night. We holed up in a corner upstairs and were able to drunkly chat and catch up. I got to talk with Caity for a while and we both sucked down some booze influzed iced tea and talked about the MAC; we're such adults.

From Zola's, we headed across the street to Riff, which is the tiny red bar on Main that looks like it should be a tattoo shop. The drinks are stiff and cheap--plus they have $1 drafts and $2 wells on Thursdays! Next time I'm looking for a cheaper way to get plastered, I know where I'll be headed. Right as we were leaving The Riff, it started to rain like crazy, so we all ran through the rain and ran the couple blocks to The Sattelite. The Sattelite was packed and full of icky straight people (barf), so we only had one drink there and then headed over to Irv's for some good ol' fashing dancing. The night ended when I went to the bathroom and then had to find Melissa to pull my pants up for me (oops).

Mika's goodbye party was last night, which was nice. She got a bunch of burgers and we had a big potluck. She left this morning, and it's sad. I don't feel like I've properly digested the fact that she's not in Spokane anymore. Melissa and I have plans to hang out with Kelly soon, and I'm hoping that this will open a new chapter for Melissa and I are our group of buddies.

All in all, a good week was had!

There's ink on my fingers. I am tired, but I feel good. I have accomplished something greater than myself.

I'm in the middle of planning my hopefully amazing 21st birthday bash. The plan is to start at mine and Melissa's apartment with a BBQ or dinner or some kind, mainly so that all the non-21ers can hang out for a bit and meet my friends from out of town. From there, we'll head to Zola, then The Satelite, Irv's, and end up a Dempsy's Brass Rail.

I'm mentioning this in my blog because I would LOVE feedback and ideas. Some of my friends are coming from out of town, so I'd like to show them cute, quirky downtown Spokane. You can view the map here.

My first day of summer break gets two thumbs up.

Here's what I've got on my summer reading list. In no particular order...

• Against love : A Polemic - by Laura Kipnis
• Beyond (Straight and Gay) Marriage : Valuing All Families Under the Law - by Nancy D. Polikoff
• Come Out and Win : Organizing Yourself, Your Community, and Your World - by Sue Hyde
• Confessions of the Other Mother : Non-Biological Lesbian Moms Tell All - edited by Harlyn Aizley
• I Told You So - by Kate Clinton
• The Red Tent - by Anita Diament
• The Shock Doctrine : The Rise of Disaster Capitalism - by Naomi Klein

Any thoughts/suggestions/recommendations?

It's alright, cuz everything they say
Doesn't make no sense
It's that time
I'm picking up my ass
Up from off the fence
Gonna blow a hole in this charade
It's self defense
I'm a army got a whole brigade in my two sense

I am frustrated with my place in the world and I honestly feel like I cannot make a difference. I am beginning to feel enlightened, like I know a substantial amount about politics and world issues--enough to hold a true conversation about it or at least provide my own view points--but I don't see how I will ever put that to use. I have been considering in my head really going for this journalism thing, perhaps getting my Masters or something in journalism, forcing myself to think more and focus on something of real importance, rather than pointing my fears and anger only to patriarchy, homophobia, misogyny, and the like.

On another note, my boss at Leadership Spokane nominated me for Student Employee of the Year at Gonzaga. It's not a real honor, but her comments about me were nice made me feel... useful. I received a cheesy award and went to a "reception" yesterday in the Student Employment office. It's nice that the Student Employment Office has different honors like that. They really do do good work.

I read the front page article in today's New York Times about the secret CIA memos released regarding torture. It detailed the procedures used and just made me... sad. Why do people treat each other like this? I don't understand it. =(